10 ways to update the Peter Pan story that wouldn’t suck

Syfy ’s latest thrust at update the Peter Pan level , Neverland , remind us how much this whole tale postulate to be retired . Or reboot beyond credit . Here are our horrid suggestions for making a really modern Peter Pan — they ’re just so brainsick they might work !

Illustration bychemicalorange .

1 . Retire the “ Injuns . ” Now . Calling them “ Indians ” or “ Native Americans ” only piss us need to jab our faces even more . Replace them with a tribe of Amish people or ninjas or both . Tiger Lily can be the most badass Amish ninja the world has ever see .

2 . Make Captain Hook sexy , but not in a creepy way . No weird alchemy with underage Wendy . No makeup and strange nozzle prosthetics . He should be played by Nathan Fillion or Michael Fassbender , and no puffy sleeves should be postulate .

3 . Let ’s institute piracy into the 21st century , people . Hook ’s pirate ship should be a high - tech submarine waiter farm where he ’s storing thou of petabytes of pirated music and moving picture . He ’s declare warfare on the corrupt amusement industry , which packages , sells , and vitiate the dreams that once made puerility magical . Laser fight between Hook and punk from the MPAA and the RIAA wearing crocodile - skin armor ?

4 . Make Peter Pan a bad guy . We are sick of Peter and his missed Boys as lovable child - Man , especially when we fuck that Peter is a psychopathic mob drawing card who is smuggling fairy dust drugs from Never Land into Brixton . When he ’s fingered by local cops , he tells them about Hook ’s operation so that they ’ll lease him go .

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5 . Tinkerbell is a cyborg surveillance hemipteron . She somehow get away from police force control and has devoted her life to stopping Peter .

6 . Taking a page from urban fantasy , Never Land should be a urban center modeled on Dubai . It ’s full of glimmering towboat and psychedelic malls . Surrounded by impossibly low sea , artificial islands , and desert full of lost cities , it ’s a admixture of civilizations from the past and future . It should of class be designed by Weta Digital , the studio apartment that brought Middle Earth to life in the Lord of the Rings serial .

7 . Accentuate the weirdness . One of the best modernistic adaptation of the Peter Pan story is the stagecoach wreak Peter and Wendy , which recreates the tale of the lost boy and the vernal womanhood who worry for him using Victorian - style puppet . The story focuses more on the adult around Peter and Wendy , and the dreadfulness of look on nestling grow up . Any modern adaptation should pay attention to this play and endeavor to capture its haunting imagery .

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8 . Everyone Peter come to falls from blessing . Wendy is a fairy rubble - addicted drug scuff for Peter and his gang . draw is trying to save her .

9 . Childhood is a revulsion show . The content of the original Peter Pan was that puerility is a fantastic ( albeit severe ) spot of phantasy adventure . But the movie Finding Neverland has completely ruin our power to believe in that . We ca n’t scrub from our thinker Johnny Depp ’s portrayal of playwright J.M. Barrie ’s creepy , inappropriate relationship with the real - life Peter , who was pretty much scarred for life after being turned into the poster male child for childish innocence . So do n’t even endeavor to sell us on that “ childhood is enceinte ” bullshit . Let ’s see a movie that show us how puerility is a time when you ’re control by capricious adults , manipulated by the media without any filters over your credulity , and your imagination is mine for product ideas . That ’s why only a pirate can be our Hero of Alexandria – he steal childhood dreams back from Hollywood .

10 . direct at grownups . The only elbow room to truly modernize Peter Pan is to make it a narrative for adult . Leave Hunger Games and Twilight for the nestling . We want something equivocal and grim .

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